


I’m not that Girl

by what_in_the



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Aromantic Characters, M/M, Musical theatre references, Oblivious Jeremy, Pining Michael, Songfic, boyf riends - Freeform, idk how i feel about this, kinda crappy but oh well, sorta - Freeform, un-betaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 10:23:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16785052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_in_the/pseuds/what_in_the
Summary: It was supposed to be fun, singing musical theatre songs together. But something bothered Michael and now he’s run off.Feeling confused about his own feelings, Jeremy talks to Christine about what to do to win back his friend.





	I’m not that Girl

**Author's Note:**

> Eh this is kinda crappy but I heard the song and thought why not?  
> Enjoy!

Jeremy wasn't sure how Christine had managed it. Somehow she had gotten their entire friend group to agree to sing musical theatre songs, just because. Now to be fair, in the month they had been together, Jeremy had learnt very quickly how persuasive Christine could be. Add that to the fact that she had gotten everyone else into musicals (he and Michael were the exception because they already liked them) then you had a quick recipe for getting what you wanted.

Which was them all singing to each other in the auditorium at 4:30.

So far no one had drawn anything too difficult from the hat. Rich and Jake did ‘What is this Feeling?’ from Wicked. Chloe did ‘Dead Girl Walking’ with Jeremy helping out as JD, it was a little awkward but she didn't lay a hand on him, still mindful of Halloween. Brooke, Christine and Rich all rocked ‘Sincerely Me’ from Dear Evan Hansen, even nailing the choreography, and Jeremy had sung ‘Waving Through a Window’ to near perfection. Ben Platt would have been proud according to Christine.

When it was Michael’s turn to draw a song, he looked a little nervous. Jeremy knew that as great a singer he was, he was also really shy and hated preforming. Jeremy had been surprised he had even agreed.

Michael stared intently at the piece of paper, looking conflicted.

“You know the song, or do you need lyrics?” Christine asked, noticing his struggle. Michael shook his head, standing and making his way to the stage.

“I just thought it was a little ironic that I drew this song is all.” Michael replied as he bent over the computer, searching for the backing track. As he scooped up the microphone, gentle music began. Jeremy instantly recognised it and wondered why Michael thought it was ironic.

“Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl

He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl”

Michael’s voice was sweet and pure, there was such emotion in each word that Jeremy was suddenly struck silent. He had never heard Michael sound so sad before.

“Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy

He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl”

Jeremy could feel his own heart breaking at how much honesty was in every word, like Michael really knew what it was like to love someone who didn't return his feelings. That made him angry for some reason. Michael deserved to be loved.

“Every so often we long to steal

The land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in”

God he sounded so wistful. A fist tightened around Jeremy's heart and for an instant, Jeremy really wanted to hug him. It wasn't unusual, they were very affectionate with each other, but this felt different and Jeremy could place why.

“Blithe smile, lithe limb

She who’s winsome, she wins him

Gold hair with a gentle curl

That's the girl he chose

And heaven knows

I'm not that girl”

Michael had his eyes closed for the majority of the song, but now he opened them, focusing on each of them in turn. Were those tears shining in his eyes? Michael took a few deep breaths as the music settled down for the final verse. As he sung the last few lines, Jeremy could hear the unshed tears in his voice.

“Don't wish, don’t start

Wishing only wounds the heart

I wasn't born for the rose and pearl

There's a girl I know

He loves her so

I'm not that girl.”

The applause was deafening, everyone stood to clap for Michael’s amazing performance. Everyone but Jeremy, who was frozen, still watching Michael as he grinned. It was watery and a bit forced. He realised that it was less of a performance then a confession, but for who?

Michael waved everyone off as he climbed down from the stage and Jeremy recognised that he was getting overwhelmed.

“I'm just gonna get some air, I'll be back in a sec. Maybe choose the next song while I'm gone?” Michael sounded normal to anyone who didn't know him, but Jeremy knew better. Michael was struggling. And so, when he had left the auditorium, Jeremy followed without thinking.

Michael had perched himself up on the grassy hill just outside the auditorium, knees pulled up to his chest as he looked up at the sky. He looked thoughtful, but mostly just sad. This was his favourite place to brood whenever he was having a bad day at school.

Jeremy sat down lightly next to him.

“You alright, man?” He asked, watching Michael’s face intently. It took a moment before Michael responded.

“Not really,” His voice was quiet and sort of empty. Jeremy hated how broken Michael sounded. “I think it would have been better if I had pulled a different song. That one made me think too much.”

Jeremy paused, thinking. Michael didn't look at him, still staring at the clear blue sky in a contemplative manner.

“So, who is he?” He asked suddenly. Michael jumped and finally looked at Jeremy. “There was too much behind that song for you not to have experienced it. So, who is he?”

Michael’s eyes were wide and full of fear. Tears, which had been threatening since he finished singing, finally began falling and Michael outright sobbed. Jeremy didn't know how to deal with this, normally it was him losing it and Michael was the one to pick up the pieces. He moved to put his arm around Michael, trying his best to be supportive, but was shrugged off instantly. It stung for some reason.

“I don't want to talk about it. Besides, it doesn't matter, he doesn't feel the same and I don't even stand a chance. He's straight.” Michael looked away, finally able to spit out the words. Jeremy felt his heart break a little more. Michael didn't deserve that, whoever he had feelings for should realise just how lucky they were. Michael was special and deserve to be loved.

Silence fell between the two as Michael calmed himself. Jeremy just sat close, not pushing anymore but making sure Michael didn't feel alone. A few minutes passed, but it felt like so much longer.

When Michael had composed himself once again, he looked back up at the sky, looking sad but determined. He still didn't speak.

Jeremy was worried. Michael always seemed to be in motion and now he sat perfectly still. Whoever he was pining for obviously meant a lot to him. Jeremy felt his own anger raise up, firstly because whoever Michael liked obviously didn't deserve him, but also for a reason he couldn't place. It wasn't a nice feeling, or even protective, it felt poisonous and dark. Jeremy didn't like it.

“You know I've forgiven you for the whole SQUIP thing, right?” Michael asked out of the blue. Jeremy was startled from his own thoughts and turned back to look at Michael. He was still facing the sky. “I forgave you a long time ago. So please, don't think I'm doing this because of that. It's just… I can't keep it up anymore.”

“Michael, what are you talking about?” Fear was gripping Jeremy again. Michael wasn't making sense but Jeremy just knew that something bad was about to happen.

Michael paused, turning to shoot a sad, watery smile at Jeremy.

“You and Christine make a really cute couple, you know? I really hope things work out well for you guys.”

Michael then stood up and sprinted off, leaving a very confused Jeremy trying to scramble to his feet. He set off after Michael, but it was no use, the boy was fast when he wanted to be. After a few seconds, Jeremy lost sight of the red hoodie and he slowed down to a stop, still calling after Michael.

With a heavy heart, Jeremy gave up and slowly made his way back to the rest of his friends. He hoped Michael was going to be alright.

It had been a full week since Michael had left Jeremy up on the hill, and Jeremy hadn't seen hide nor hair of the boy since. His friends had spotted him around, but he would always dodge away before anyone could talk to him. Jeremy was missing his best friend.

“I just don't understand what I did wrong! I miss him, Chrissy, I really do.” Jeremy sighed, looking up and Christine as he lay his head on her lap. She was playing gently with his hair. She smiled sadly at him.

“I think you do, Jeremy, but I think you're too caught up in yourself to notice.” She sighed, closing her eyes. “I actually have something to tell you, and it might help you figure this out.”

Jeremy instantly sat up, both eager to hear what Christine had to say about Michael and terrified because he knew what was coming.

“I'm not really feeling this whole relationship,” Yeah, that's what Jeremy had expected, “I think I might be aromantic. I love the idea of being friends with you, I just don't feel romantically interested. I'm sorry.” Jeremy took her hands in his, meeting her gaze with a gentle smile.

“I'm glad you told me, I was sort of feeling the same way. I built up this whole image of who you were before I knew you, and while the real you is awesome and even better than I could have imagined, this isn't really the relationship I had expected either.” Christine shot him a small smile of her own.

“Friends?” She asked shyly.

“Friends.” Jeremy agreed, nodding.

Jeremy didn't really know how this helped with his current predicament with Michael, but it really did help ease some worries of his own. Jeremy had been terrified that Christine would take it badly, and he was really glad that they had parted on good terms. He really hadn't been feeling it, but had been willing to give it a try. Something had been missing which he couldn't place, and that meant he never got as invested as he should have been. He was happy it was over, honestly.

Still, it would be awkward to tell everyone else that they weren't a thing anymore.

They talked for a few more minutes before Christine had to leave. they had hugged at the door and both ended up with a smile on their face. It felt good, honestly.

But when Jeremy made his way back to his room, he was instantly assaulted by reminders of Michael. Books and posters and plushies and that blue hoodie he had leant to Jeremy but never gotten back. Jeremy’s room was immersed in Michael and it made him miss the boy all the more.

With a heavy sigh, Jeremy sat down on his head and started thinking.

Why did Christine think that breaking up would help the situation? Sure, Jeremy didn't feel guilty about it anymore, but he really didn't understand why it would help him with Michael. The only thing that would be different was that Jeremy wouldn't need to force his feelings anymore. Something clicked and suddenly Jeremy understood.

Michael had said that Jeremy and Christine made a good couple.

Then he had run off.

Michael had reacted badly because Jeremy had asked him who he was crushing on.

God, Jeremy was such an idiot. It was _him_. Michael had feelings for him, and that's why he had run off after Jeremy had confronted him. It was why Michael was avoiding him now, so he didn't need to push his feelings down or have to deal with him and Christine together.

Jeremy bolted up to his feet and instantly started panicking. Michael had feelings for him. Did this mean the end of their friendship forever? Was Jeremy even okay with this? He started pacing as he tried to figure it out.

Firstly, Jeremy tried to think about how he felt about Michael. There was a lot of confusion there, but it was mostly just fondness. Jeremy felt happy when Michael was around, and he felt bad when they were apart. He wanted Michael's happy, and had felt very angry when he realised Michael was loving someone who didn't return his feelings.

Which was him.

Dammit.

Another realisation hit him.

Jeremy had felt jealous when Michael had told him that he was crushing on someone. Even though Michael thought he didn't stand a chance, Jeremy had felt jealous of whoever it was. Suddenly that sticky, ugly feeling made a lot more sense.

Did Michael stand a chance?

Well Jeremy wasn't exactly opposed to the idea. Michael was his best friend, someone who he trusted completely. There wouldn't be anyone in the world who could treat him better. Michael made Jeremy feel safe and happy and cared for no matter what was going on. And then, Jeremy knew he wanted Michael happy because Michael being happy made Jeremy happy. And when Michael was happy he got this really cute dimple on his right cheek and he would start just laughing randomly and his laugh made Jeremy’s insides tingle a little because it was so joyful and sounded so nice and-

Oh.

Oh hell, he was so totally bi.

Jeremy was in love with Michael.

The realisation smacked him across the face like a ton of bricks. He staggered slightly under the weigh of that emotions hitting him, unsure how to process it all.

Of course he was happy, Michael was an amazing human being, possibly the best person in the whole world. He was kind and sweet and caring, but was also strong and proud and determined. Not to mention the fact that Jeremy had always found him secretly very handsome (he used to think it was normal to appreciate how good looking your friend was, now he wasn't so sure). The idea of them going on a proper date made Jeremy feel tingly all over.

Then there was the fear and guilt. Jeremy had put Michael through so much, as Michael had specifically left him. Would Micheal even want to give them a chance? Did Jeremy even deserve a chance?

He had to try. Michael would be the only one who could decide if Jeremy was worth it, and if he wasn't, well Jeremy would do him damned best to be the best friend ever to Michael. Crush or not, Michael deserved the best. That much had always been clear.

Jeremy all but pounced on his phone and shot Christine a quick text.

‘Would you totally hate me if I asked Michael out?’

Her reply was almost instant.

‘Go for it you beautiful bi butterfly.’

Grinning, Jeremy jumped back up and sped out the door. He needed to figure out where the nearest florists was.

Armed with a bouquet of white roses and purple hyacinth, (for love and for forgiveness) Jeremy rapped quickly on Michael’s front door. Both of Michael’s moms would be out, it being mid afternoon on a weekday.

For a moment, Jeremy debated whether or not this was a good idea. Michael might hate him for how he was treated. Jeremy might have read the situation wrong, and Michael didn't actually have feelings for him. Michael might be avoiding Jeremy for different reasons.

The door opened.

Jeremy’s heart stopped.

How had he never realised just how handsome Michael was?

All those small recognitions, the small feelings he had subconsciously squashed, suddenly hit him all at once.

Michael’s hair curled softly as it fell in waves on his forehead. It was dark and shiny and Jeremy knew that it was so soft. He also knew it smelt like the ocean because Michael loved the seawater spray when styling his hair.

His skin was clear, save a small smattering of dark freckles across his nose, almost invisible against his natural tan. His lips were pink and full, almost always turned up into a smile.

Warm, dark eyes searched his face for some explanation, golden flecks and confusion dancing in their depths.

“What are you doing here, Jeremy?” Michael didn't sound upset, or even tired or resigned. No, he sounded scared and confused. Jeremy took a second to realise he had been asked a question and had to force himself out of his admiration.

“Oh, I, um. I came to see you.” Michael nodded slowly, he had obviously been expecting that. His eyes locked onto the flowers with confusion, his brow furrowing slightly. “Look, I've been an idiot. I wanted to apologise for not realising it sooner, and maybe ask if you'd consider lunch? Just… the two of us?”

Michael let out a small squeak of surprise as the bouquet was offered to him. Hesitantly, he took it, making note of the flowers. Jeremy knew that Michael had been taught flower meanings. He hoped the implications were clear.

“What about you and Christine?” Michael questioned after a moment. Jeremy shook his head, feeling a little giddy. Michael wasn't rejecting him outright!

“We broke up. Neither of us were really feeling it, and I realised I've had feelings for you for longer than I care to admit.” Jeremy could feel himself blushing, his confidence suddenly waning. He just needed to hold it together for a couple more minutes, just long enough to get an answer.

Michael studied Jeremy's face carefully, looking for any sign this could be a cruel prank or some weird attempt to win him back as a friend only. He saw nothing but nerves and love.

A slow smile spread across his face, and Jeremy could feel one of his own grow to match.

“I think I would like lunch. So, is it a date?” Michael chuckled a little at how flustered Jeremy became at that, but was ecstatic to see him nod eagerly. “Good,because I've been crushing on you for years.”

Jeremy jumped a little when his hand was taken into one of Michael’s bigger ones. He could feel the callouses on them from years of playing drums, but it just helped to reenforce that this was Michael who was holding him.

A gentle tug pulled them so Jeremy was standing chest to chest. Jeremy looked up, eyes widening and a deep blush decorating his cheeks. Still, feeling a burst of bravery, he stood up on his toes and pressed a kiss to Michael’s cheek.

When he saw Michael’s happy blush, he quietly hoped that it would be the first of many to come.


End file.
